A Letter to my MP

Dear Dianne Abbott,

After much consideration, I have decided that it really is about time that you, as my MP, put my interests at the forefront of your thinking. Gone are the days when every four years or so, you could break off from your busy schedule of evening television programmes to remind us all just how great you have been at doing whatever it is that you do. I think it's about time that you put us, your constituents, at the heart of your thinking.

Recently, I got together a group of citizens and we held a "Citizens Summit" at 'The Fox Reformed' on Stoke Newington Church Street. I asked them what they would like to see from you, their MP. Their responses were interesting and I have sifted through them to find those that are neither physically impossible nor morally repugnant. There were a few left.

First of all, we want to see you at a time and place that is convenient to us. I work away from Hackney so I expect you will make reciprocal arrangements with your Newham colleague so I can visit him during my lunch hour. Also, I'm taking the mother-in-law to Prestatyn in the new year, so I would be grateful for contact details of your colleague there just in case I feel like an evening chat.

Now your website doesn't actually give details of your constituency "surgeries" (I think that's the term) but I do have a number of irritating minor ailments, so I need to know where I can make several appointments stretching through Christmas and the New year. At the same time, I wish to be reassured that should I have a short-term crisis with my brown recycling bin, you will be on hand to get things done. Now I just thought I should warn you that I may, or may not keep these appointments.

When I do visit you, it may be that I will need to speak to someone else as well. I would like you immediately to make me an appointment with that person, again at a time and on a date of my choice. Of course, I would expect you to confirm it in writing.

Finally, I am enclosing my proposals for "Payment by Results". This exciting and radical plan represents the biggest shake up in parliamentary procedure since Dennis Skinner said something constructive and no more that mildly offensive. Quite simply, MPs will be reimbursed on the basis of "outcomes" rather than at present. I suggest fifty five quid for a consultation; twenty pounds for writing a letter; let's say thirty quid for each day in excess of fifty days a year that you actually turn up at Westminster and say something .. ( I was about to say "useful" but let's not run before we walk).

Even more exciting will be the Enhanced Payments to which you will be entitled once we have completed a survey of your constituents. We will mail a number of them at random and ask them questions about what they think of you and your effectiveness as their democratic champion. I attach a sample questionnaire but suggest that you pay it little heed. It's not the one we will actually send out to people.

Finally let me offer you some soothing words about those dreadful rumours that have been circulating. Of course at this stage, nothing can be ruled out but I am happy to reiterate that at this moment in time we have no plans to introduce private contractors into the House of Commons to take over constituencies where performance may be below par. That doesn't mean to say that we won't be pushing to expand those parliamentary walk in centres. You know the ones. You turn up; they listen attentively; and then they tell you that you need to see your own MP for that particular problem. Whilst they don't actually add much value, we do think that they sound good and we'll get lots of brownie points from our friends and neighbours.

I look forward to seeing you next Saturday afternoon at about six-ish. I have this nasty rash on my front drive .....